Are you in the habit of agreeing with the people in front of you because you want them to like you? Do you struggle to say no when people ask you for something? Are you frequently impacted by other people's moods or feelings?
If your answer to any or all of these questions is yes, it's likely that you are a people pleaser.
For most of my life, I prided myself on my niceness and generosity. I thought of myself as "the type of person" that puts other people's needs before my own, and I felt like it was a good thing. I watched the women in my family do the same, and I proudly described them as "selfless". Little did I know, I was setting my life up to follow in the footsteps of women who rarely allowed themselves the joys and freedoms that they deserved. Now I have realized that they deserve more, and so do I.
There's a fine line between kindness and people pleasing. A people pleaser is a person who is usually seen as helpful and willing to step up when you need something, which is in fact a demonstration of kindness if it's genuine.
However, it's important to be aware of why you're saying yes to someone's needs and/or why you are prioritizing their comfort. Is it because you genuinely want to help and you have the capacity to do so? Or is it because you are fearful of what will happen if you say no or set a boundary?
5 Destructive People Pleasing Habits to Eliminate:
1. Taking responsibility for other peoples' feelings
While there is a lot of value in being able to recognize how your behavior impacts others, it does not mean we actually have the ability to make some one else happy. We can all only manage our own feelings and moods. When you sacrifice your own comfort so that the people around you can be comfortable, you're not being honest and you deny others the opportunity to care about your feelings the way that you've always cared about everyone else's.
2. Fearing blame and feeling the need to explain yourself
Whether or not something is your fault, you might be in the habit of assuming that you'll be blamed. Perhaps, this assumption has developed into a habit of over-explaining yourself or even apologizing any time some one might be indicating a negative reaction to something you did. When we over-explain ourselves, we actually give people more opportunities to disagree and disapprove which actually keeps the downward spiral going.
3. Feeling uncomfortable when people are angry at you
It took me a long time to realize that it was even an option to NOT feel deeply uncomfortable when people are angry at me. I was in the habit of trying to do everything I could possibly do to change how they felt, and I chalked it up to the fact that I am an empath and therefore could not help it. The reality is, other people are allowed to feel however they want to about you, and no amount of effort or action can force them to change their feelings. Just because we can feel their discomfort or anger does not give us the right to manage that on their behalf.
4. Avoiding conflict as often as possible
People pleasers will avoid conflict even at their own cost. Many of us even engage in self-destructive behavior if we think it will help others feel more comfortable in a social situation. For example, I have found myself trying to make people feel comfortable, even when their words or actions were hurting me. I would tiptoe around my feelings because I did not want my hurt feelings to make other people feel bad. In reality, I was withholding the opportunity for my loved ones to care about how I felt by hiding it. By avoiding short term negativity, we can create a lasting negative impact on our relationships in the long run.
5. Craving praise
When we doubt ourselves, it can be hard to avoid seeking out validation in others. People pleasing stems from a deep desire to feel validated by the people around us. We want people to see us as "good" so badly, to the point that this goal can outweigh the damage we take in its pursuit.
These destructive habits can have a lasting impact on our confidence and wellbeing.
The 4 Negative Impacts of People Pleasing:
1. Losing sight of who you are
When you've been in the habit of shaping your presence to the comfort and preference of everyone around you, it is incredible difficult to maintain a sense of who you are. Knowing yourself requires a deep understanding of 1) what you like, 2) your strengths and weaknesses, and 3) what matters most to you. If you are spending your energy considering what everyone else needs and wants from you, there may not be much energy left to reflect on these questions. It takes time to get back into the habit of considering our own preferences and priorities, and until we take intentional steps to re-learn ourselves, life can feel aimless and overwhelming.
2. Building up resentment and frustration
In an ideal world, we could all give our energy toward others without ever feeling like they owe us anything in return. However, in practice, it's nearly impossible for squash resentment when you've abandoned your obligations to yourself in favor of others, especially when others may not feel the need to do the same for you. We cannot fault others for prioritizing themselves. We all have an obligation to take care of ourselves, and it would not be fair or productive to blame anyone else when we chose to sacrifice our own needs and wants. The greatest service we can provide to our loved ones is prioritizing ourselves and thereby giving them the permission to do the same.
3. Struggling to meet your needs and goals
By prioritizing other people, and especially their moments of crisis, our goals can get tossed aside for "later". However, if you feel compelled to help every person in crisis, that "later" might never come. It's noble to want to help everyone else, but consider how will you feel after a few years of sacrificing all the time that you may have wanted to put toward your own personal goals and toward the management of your own crises. People pleasers often place their own needs as a lower priority. "My life is fine, so of course I should give my energy to my friend in need." However, how fine is your life really? Do you feel like everything is completely under control? Are you maintaining your health, fitness, wellness, and goals to a level that you feel proud of?
4. Difficulty maintaining authentic relationships
When you cater your behavior toward everyone else's comfort, you deny them the opportunity to enjoy you. Instead of building authentic relationships with you, your loved ones are forced to build relationships with the version of you that you have carefully crafted to suit them. That's not really YOU.
You deserve to be appreciated even when you're not catering yourself toward the needs of others. Your feelings of belonging should never be based solely on how much you are doing for everyone else. Imagine how great your life can be when you re-direct all of that generous and loving energy to YOURSELF! You deserve the benefit of everything you bring to the table, and you deserve to feel that benefit first.
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